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27/6/2006 No More WonderingI have closure with something I didn't realize I needed closure on!
To no longer be a part of a couple, have a partner, lover, best friend, due to death is final.
To no longer be a part of a couple, have a partner, lover, best friend, due to ending a relationship could take years to be final. Sometimes, after a very long period of time, you wonder, could it be again? Have we changed enough? Would it be different? You've pushed the bad memories down so far that all you see are the good ones. The reasons why you found each other and fell in love in the first place. You wonder.....what if we were a couple now? Could that actually happen?
So is the case for me. If you have read my life story, over there to the left under "About Me", you would know that I was very much in love at one time. It was 18 years ago. That's when we parted ways. We were together for 8, almost 9 years. It's not a long time but it's not a short time either. I was a different person then and have become a different person since.
I don't hold grudges. I may never forget something, but I am able to forgive. I can also get over a hurt so deep that I thought I was lost....we all do eventually as long as we want to.
To my total surprise I came home Sunday evening to a phone message from this man. This man that I once loved and have since wondered, from time to time, if by some intervention we would ever find each other again....find as in love, not location! :-) Mind you, I haven't spoken to him but maybe 2 times, at the local bank and just Hi, in 15 years before I moved here, 3 years ago, so really 18 years. Not even when my Father died which was months after we parted, he never bothered with condolences.
His message was that he heard about me being back there to take my Mom back here with me due to health issues. He was concerned and hoped she was alright.....that she had always been good to him and he remembers that. This was very strange to me so I asked my Mom....she hasn't a clue as to what he means. Hmmmm.....the most he really saw my parents was for the occassional holiday.
So, what to make of this message? I emailed a mutual friend and come to find out he's divorced as of April. Oh, he married a year after we split....made me feel so special! And his wife cleaned him out. Another Hmmmmmmm......
Ok, I'm still curious and I'm basically a good person and even tho it's been so many years, I know this man pretty well, there's a reason why he called and I need to know. People change, but not that much. He was 40 when we split, pretty set in his ways! I also felt that if he just needs someone to talk to about this, I know, pretty weird to call the ex from so long ago, but I was always a good listener and he knows how much I've changed my life around. He may just need someone not to judge him. We all need that.
I called last night. I waited til the last minute before bedtime so I would have an excuse if I needed one. I wish I didn't call. I'll never have the same image of the confident man I once knew. The man that all his friends looked up to for so many reasons. The man that had his life going exactly the way he wanted it to.
He answered. I woke him from a "cat nap". I could barely make out what he was saying during the whole 10 minute conversation. He was "passed" out and I woke him....he was still drunk.....or he's lost some teeth, I didn't know which! He was slurring and couldn't keep up with what I was saying. Our connection seemed to be fuzzy, but it wasn't that. I knew the minute he starting talking. I thanked him for the message and concern for my Mom. We briefly talked about his divorce. I told him I needed to go and I added, because I care, that he should call if he ever needed to talk.
Again, I really wish I never called, but that's not me, no matter what my motives were I still care about people and would rather try to help them get thru something than ignore them because they may be a nuisance.....and he might be, but I doubt that I will ever hear from him again.
I emailed my friend back there, again, and she said he's pretty much that way all the time!
That's not the man I use to know. But it is the man he's become.
So this is my closure.....I'll never wonder again. I've always said that we make our own choices in life, good and bad. I have made my share of bad ones but have moved past all of that. He's made his choices also and I don't really see any change happening there. It's not a life I would ever want. I feel sad for him, but I have hope that he will be ok, maybe not change, but at least get thru all of his depression which will come.
Colleen
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