| Colleen님의 프로필Love the Simple Things!사진블로그리스트 |  도구  도움말 |
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2006-05-01 Plan A or Plan B?I was ready to go.....ready to start the next chapter in my life. I was counting down the hours to when we were to meet up again.
I was at my Moms house and the phone rang. She said that it was for me. It was him and I was surprised, but happy that he called. I can't really remember now if it was the day before or 2 days before I was to leave. I got on the phone and I could tell immediately. Just by the way he sounded and the pause after the hello. It seemed to be such a long pause.....and I knew. He changed his mind.
As I sat on the floor listening to him, all I could think of was it's a joke, but he wasn't the type that would think that was funny. I just sat there listening to him tell me that he wanted so much to be with me, but (and I hate that word sometimes) that he didn't feel he was good enough for me. That he couldn't give me the things I needed and deserved in a relationship. That he didn't want me to end up hating him.
I was numb....I just sat there and couldn't speak. This was unbelievable. How dare he decide how I would eventually, maybe, feel about him. Could he see into the future? It wasn't like I was even moving there yet. We were suppose to see how things went. I was willing to try....he wasn't. I started to cry, silently of course, and told him that I understood....I didn't. But what was I suppose to do?
I think deep down I knew it wasn't going to work out as a long term relationship. I knew all his quirks and hang-ups. His issues so to speak, and he had more than his share. But I accepted all of that. I think I thought I was going to help him move past some of those hang-ups. But they were deep rooted and the reason why he made the phone call. His lack of self esteem had always caused him to fail at so many things and now was preventing him from moving on to something good and positive in his life.
And so that was that. Oh I cried and my Mom told me that she knew this would happen. Well, if she knew why the hell didn't she tell me? I wallowed in self pity for about a day. Yep, I knew I couldn't dwell on this. What was I suppose to do? I needed to figure out now where the heck I was going! Sheesh.....it was probably the only thing that saved me. I needed to move on and right then.
I called my brother and told him what happened, he felt so bad for me (he's a great guy by the way), and I told him I was headed for Wisconsin and I needed a place to stay. Of course I was welcome at his home. So now instead of heading for the Northwest I was on my way back to the Midwest. Totally in the opposite direction!
I said the last of my goodbyes and felt bad about leaving my Mom, but she understood how miserable I had been living there for the past 2 years and I really needed to leave before I went insane! I got in my truck and spent the next 6 days driving more than 2000 miles to get back home.
When I think about it now I really wish I had spent more time exploring during that trip. But at the time I was all by myself and just needed to get back to family and to feel good again. The first day or so driving I did way too much thinking about everything. But it was good because the conversations I had with myself helped me. I think that was when I finally was honest with myself about this man. I think I was more involved with the "idea" of being in love again than actually being in love.
I did take some extra time in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Not enough time, but more than I spent anywhere else. I always wanted to go there and I figured this may be my last chance. The whole thing was a real experience and one I wish I could have shared with someone. Maybe one day.
I'm adding a link here to look at the pics I took on the trip. I wasn't going to add this because once I looked at those pics again they seemed really dull. You have to remember that I was by myself so I didn't really do the tourist thing. I have to laugh about it now because so many of the pics were taken while I was driving. I had one of those "throw away" cameras for in the truck and can't tell you how many pics I had of the dash, door and ceiling of the truck. And also remember that the Midwest is mainly flat farmland. I don't know why I didn't snap some while still in Arizona....probably because I lived there I suppose!
Just click on the link, click on "view pictures" (I think) and then go to the right and click on "slideshow"....you can manually view it after that. You'll figure it out.
Like I said, 6 days later I pulled into Milwaukee, it was April 1st. Now being the person I am and always thinking everything is a sign I had my feelings, shall we say, about that. April Fools Day....is that a sign or what???
Colleen
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