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25/04/2006 Lost YearsDo you believe in Soulmates? I do. Do you believe that we only have one in our life time? I don't!
I know that I was with my Soulmate for those seven years....I was either too young and inexperienced to really know what that meant. Or life just took the course it was suppose to. I do believe in Fate and Destiny and I know what happened and what was about to happen was what was suppose to happen. We don't always know why and don't always think it's fair, but deep down for those that can see past the pain and the hurt, we know it's the way of things!
I know that we both grew as people in different ways. I'm not going to get into details because that could take forever.....and I'm not going to blame either one of us. For me I know I started to take what I had for granted. That it would always be there. I didn't really see it coming, and then it did, and once again I felt like I was hit by that bus! Oh we did our last ditch efforts at saving the relationship, but it just wasn't there.
In that one year, actually within the last 7 months of that year, I lost a love, my Father died from pancreatic cancer and I was laid off from my job of over 13 years. Hell of a year! It was just the beginning.
For the next 10 years, maybe alittle less, I was just existing. It wasn't that I thought my life was over, I just didn't have any focus anymore. This was when I started making those bad choices....or I'll say the wrong choices for me. The one good choice was starting my own business. It's been 17 years now.
Remember I said that where I lived was a total party town? Well, I took full advantage of that. Not that I was one to bar hop, I had neighbors that loved their beer and had their own tapper. My problem, simply put, was that I didn't know when to say when....why bother! I'll just say it because now I can say it, I had a drinking problem. It wasn't where I got up in the morning and started to drink. It wasn't even that I drank everyday. It was that when I did I didn't stop until I was blasted. And then sometimes I would actually drive home!
I know.....don't judge me....I've done enough of that. To try now to make a long story short, ha....I got myself in trouble 3 different times within that 10 year span. Each time worse than the last. The very last time I could of killed myself along with a young couple and their unborn child. But I didn't. No one got hurt except me, a gash to my knee that left a scar that reminds me everyday what my old life was like! And it reminds me that I truly have Guardian Angels or a Higher Power or whatever it may be watching over me for whatever reason I'm still not sure of. I mean come on, I had 2 other chances to make better choices and I didn't. This was my last chance and I took it.
I stopped drinking completely....I had to and I knew it. It was the best choice of my entire life. It wasn't hard for me either because I knew I wouldn't survive the next incident and I couldn't live with myself if I hurt anyone. My life changed completely and I loved that. I did lose some friends, only because I think they felt uncomfortable that I no longer drank. Surprisingly it didn't and still doesn't bother me to be around situations where people are drinking. Sheesh, if that were the case I could never go to another family function!! ;-)
It may sound corny, but everyday I wake up looking forward to whatever the day brings. I appreciate so many things that I did take for granted. I love my life! I started to do so many more things......I took a great interest in working on my house. I remodeled the kitchen and the garage. I couldn't keep myself busy enough. Life was and still is good. It's been over 8 years since my life changed and I finally started making the right choices....but I don't dwell on the bad choices because I know they helped to make me who I am. God, I sound like I'm really preaching here don't I? I'll stop.
My point.....don't beat yourself up over something that has gone wrong in your life. Change it.....fix it.....do whatever it takes. Just don't let it continue.
Next time I'll let you know how I came to move from a place I spent 31 years of my life in....another GREAT choice! :-) Really!
Colleen
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